The Hardest Days: Navigating Holidays and Special Occasions After Loss
Losing a child is a pain that never fully goes away. It changes you, shapes you, and forces you to find new ways to navigate life. For me, the hardest days aren’t just the ones when I’m alone with my thoughts—it’s the holidays, the birthdays, and the special moments that Jacob should still be here for.
But one thing I’ve learned is that while grief never gets easier, you do find ways to live with it. Over the years, my family and I have found our own traditions to keep Jacob’s memory alive, and I want to share those with you, along with some advice for anyone trying to get through the tough days after losing a loved one.
Honoring Jacob on His Birthday
Jacob loved life. He loved to laugh, he loved dogs and animals, and he absolutely loved the water. Whether it was a pool, a beach, or just playing in the rain—if water was involved, Jacob was happy. Every year, as a way to honor him, my family and I take a trip during his birthday month. It’s our way of celebrating with him, even though he’s not physically here.
One of our traditions is to visit a zoo in every state we travel to. Jacob had such a love for animals, and I can just imagine how excited he would be if he were with us, looking at every creature and asking a million questions. If we can’t go out of town for his birthday, we do a staycation—finding a nice hotel with a pool, relaxing, and celebrating him in a way he would have loved.
And of course, no birthday is complete without cake and balloons. Every year, we get a birthday cake for Jacob, just as we would if he were here. We celebrate his day with joy, not sorrow, because that’s what he would have wanted.
For anyone grieving a loved one, especially a child, my advice is this: find a way to celebrate them, not just mourn them. Create traditions that bring you closer to their spirit, and don’t let their absence take away the joy they brought into your life.
Navigating Holidays Without a Loved One
Holidays can be tricky. No matter how much time passes, there’s always that empty chair, that missing voice, that feeling that something (or someone) is missing.
For me, Christmas and Thanksgiving are especially hard. I want to celebrate and enjoy the time with my family, but there’s always someone who wants to bring up what happened to Jacob. And while I understand their sadness—I feel it too—sometimes I just want to celebrate without breaking down. I want to laugh, enjoy the moment, and feel Jacob’s presence without the weight of grief hanging over the room.
To cope, I’ve made it a tradition to bake Jacob’s favorite desserts every holiday season. It’s my way of keeping him part of our family celebrations. It gives me comfort, and in a way, it feels like he’s still at the table with us.
If you’re struggling with holidays after loss, here are a few things that have helped me:
1. Set Boundaries
It’s okay to let people know how you feel. If you don’t want to spend the whole holiday talking about your loss, say that. If you need a moment alone, take it. Grief is personal, and you don’t have to handle it the way others expect you to.
2. Start New Traditions
Old traditions may feel too painful, and that’s okay. Instead, create new ones that honor your loved one. Maybe it’s lighting a candle in their memory, making their favorite meal, or watching a movie they loved. Small gestures can make a big difference.
3. Celebrate Their Life, Not Just Their Passing
It’s easy to focus on what we’ve lost, but remembering how they lived can bring comfort. Look through old photos, tell funny stories, or do something they loved. Keep their spirit alive.
4. Allow Yourself to Feel Everything
Some moments will be joyful, and others will hit you like a wave. Let yourself feel both. Don’t force yourself to “be strong” for others—grief is unpredictable, and it’s okay to have hard moments.
5. Find a Way to Give Back
One of the most healing things I’ve done is starting Jacob Way. Helping other families going through childhood cancer gives me purpose, and I truly believe that Jacob would be proud. Maybe for you, it’s donating to a cause your loved one cared about, volunteering, or simply spreading kindness in their name.
You Never "Get Over" Loss—But You Do Get Through It
People love to say, "Time heals all wounds," but I don’t believe that. Time doesn’t erase pain—it just teaches you how to carry it differently. Losing Jacob will never be something I “get over,” but I’ve learned how to live with it.
Grief is messy. Some days, you’ll feel strong. Other days, you’ll break down over something small—a song, a smell, a memory. And that’s okay. You don’t have to have it all figured out.
If you’re struggling through the holidays or special occasions, just know you’re not alone. Give yourself grace. Take it one day at a time. And most importantly—find ways to celebrate your loved one, not just mourn them. Because their story isn’t over. Their love, their impact, their spirit—it all lives on through you.
Jacob’s legacy will always live on through Jacob Way, and through the love we continue to share as a family. If you’d like to learn more about our mission, visit www.jacobway.org.
And if you’re walking through grief, I want to leave you with this: You will never stop missing them, but you will find ways to carry them with you. ❤️